Removing the Mask

Removing the Mask

This may be the most difficult blog post I have ever written due to the degree of honesty and vulnerability about which I am writing.  Even I am not sure if I will actually press the "publish" button to allow all to see my innermost thoughts.

I am a person who believes in hope and holds on to it with great tenacity.  I believe that there is a plan for my life and that it is a good plan (Jeremiah 29:11).  To the best of my ability, I focus on the positive because I believe that the way I think shapes how I feel.

However, this is not an easy task.  I am writing this for two reasons.  The first of which is that there is some catharsis in writing what I am feeling.  Secondly, it is my hope that if anyone else feels this way that they will read it and know that they are not alone.

The holidays are difficult for me.  They seem to accentuate my deepest longings and my sense of loss due to chronic pain.  They stir up a war within me and cause me to feel like I am playing emotional tug of war.  The holidays put a magnifying glass upon my feelings and make it difficult for me to not address my deepest, most hidden feelings.

I cried myself to sleep Thanksgiving night.  On the surface, I had a wonderful day of spending time with my family.  So what caused the tears?  It was the chronic struggle to survive in the midst of the fun.  I have a loud, fun and exuberant family who loves to laugh and play jokes, and I have always treasured being a part of that.  However, since I have been dealing with chronic pain from Migraines, Fibromyalgia, Spinal Radiculopathy and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it's all I can do just to be there.  

I struggle to keep people from knowing how badly I feel as I am being assaulted by noise, activity, lights and odors.  I feel old before my time, and I feel very alone.  Rather than sitting in the midst of the fun and participating, I sit at the table with the elderly members of the family.  I try to listen as they speak to me but am fighting the pain and the nausea to the degree that I only hear part of what they are saying and can only hope that they don't know that I am not really there.  I watch the ones in the other room who I long to spend time with and see them bonding with each other and feel invisible and unimportant.  

I struggle with my sense of identity.  None of the things that use to give me my definition of self are the same anymore.  I have few meaningful contributions to make.  I can no longer work at the job that gave me such overwhelming joy - can I even say I am a play therapist any more when there is no play in my life?  Can I say I am a mental health therapist when I sit alone in my home?  I try to keep up with my continuing education so I will not lose my licenses and certifications, but it is so difficult to attend the required in-class workshops and even harder to a pay for them.  I have no professional identity.

I'm not suppose to drive so I am dependent on people to take me places. When I do drive because I cannot get a driver, it is with fear of what might happen.  I am grateful to have some people who are willing to take me to the doctor, the grocery or the pharmacy, but my world is shrinking because I never go anywhere else and when I do, I pay for it dearly.  

My relationship with friends and family have changed to that of caregivers at best.  I feel like a burden.  With some, the relationship is but a memory.  I who use to have such a huge and vibrant world now have such a little world.  I attend church by watching webcasts because when I go into the sanctuary I cannot find a "safe" place to sit because of the perfume and the lights and because any ride I might have would be for the entire three hours of Sunday School and church which my body cannot endure.  So I have lost the fellowship of believers which filled my soul in a way I cannot describe.  

Friends sometimes still ask me to go to events.  I am afraid to say yes because I so frequently have to change my mind at the last minute because of how I am feeling.  A friend has asked me to attend a paint party which I have always wanted to do, but I cannot commit because I no longer have the finances and even if I did how could my Migraines survive the smell of paint.  And if I went and got sick who would I have to drag away from the party to take me home?  

I am utterly undependable.  I am not there for fun, but neither am I there when people need me.  There have been friends and family who are ill, lost loved ones or are hurting, and I am not there for them.  I have a friends whose babies or grandbabies are growing,  and I cannot spend time with them.  I offer to  babysit for a couple of hours and then have to cancel because of the pain.  So I who use to be in the middle of everything am in the middle of nothing!

I can't go anywhere other than medical appointments, but neither do I want people coming here.  I, who have always had such pride in keeping a clean and straight home, live in chaos because I frequently don't feel like picking up after the dogs, washing the dishes, dusting, vacuuming or going through the paperwork.  I am ashamed for people to see my home.  So the person who use to host all the get-togethers no longer does so.

Christmas is coming and frankly I am dreading it.  I try to focus on the reason for Christmas and remind myself that everything else is just fluff, but I loved the fluff.  I don't decorate for Christmas - there is no one here to see it and it's just too hard to do the work involved.  I can't go shopping because of the onslaught of stimuli, because I can't drive, and, frankly, because I can't afford it.  I actually bounced a check for the first time in 35 years.  I don't go to all the music performances and parties once again because of the stimuli and because I cannot make a steadfast commitment that I will feel well enough to go.

The things I saw as hallmarks of "me", that represented what was important in my life, were commitment, dependability, giving, friendship, serving, playing and laughter.  Where are these things now?  They are buried by pain.  How do I explain this to someone who doesn't understand?  I feel people pulling away from me and I feel myself pulling away from them.  I see the skeptical faces and hear the frustration of being asked for help once again.  I sense the skepticism about the medications I am on and why I travel six hours to see my migraine doctor.

Most of my friends and family know about my Migraines, but how do you explain something like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue when they have difficulty understanding the impact of Migraines?  How do you not feel lazy when you sleep 14-18 hours a day?  How do you not feel slothful when you see things in your home not getting done?  How do you not feel alone and unimportant when you are so isolated by pain?  All the things for which I use to get positive affirmations are gone.

Taking away the mask is not pretty.  The sense of what is important to you and what identifies you is slipping away.  It hurts and is frightening. 

I am grateful that I am one for whom SSRI's work and that I have an outstanding and encouraging therapist.  It is not depression that I deal with - it is grief.  I experienced true grief with the heart wrenching loss of my mother, so I know that it changes things irrevocably, but also know that God can and will walk through this with me.  I am not giving up and I am not despairing - I'm just being honest.  

I am being vulnerable and transparent because I know that I have fellow sufferers who live this same existence.  Misery really doesn't love company, but knowing someone else has been where you are helps you to normalize what you are feeling. It helps you to feel not quite so alone.  It helps you to feel not quite so different.

My prayer for myself and for anyone who reads this is that we will continue to look for glimpses of hope and that somehow we will have a new and good sense of self - a new, but good, normal.  The one thing I can do is be here for those who hurt.  I may not be able to come to your side but I can pray for you and I will encourage you to the best of my ability.  We are not alone even when it feels that way.  

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13  

Please Hear What I am Not Saying

Charles C. Flinn

               Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

               ever-varying and ever-concealing.

               Beneath lies no complacence.

               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

               But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.

               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

               to help me pretend,

               to shield me from the glance that knows.

               But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

               and I know it.

               That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

               if it's followed by love.

               It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

               from my own self-built prison walls,

               from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

               It's the only thing that will assure me

               of what I can't assure myself,

               that I'm really worth something.

               But I don't tell you this.  I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

               I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

               will not be followed by love.

               I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

               that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

               I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

               and that you will see this and reject me.

               So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

               with a facade of assurance without

               and a trembling child within.

               So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

               and my life becomes a front.

       I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

               I tell you everything that's really nothing,

               and nothing of what's everything,

               of what's crying within me.

               So when I'm going through my routine

               do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

               Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

               what I'd like to be able to say,

               what for survival I need to say,

               but what I can't say.

               I don't like hiding.

               I don't like playing superficial phony games.

               I want to stop playing them.

               I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

               but you've got to help me.

               You've got to hold out your hand

               even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

               Only you can wipe away from my eyes

               the blank stare of the breathing dead.

               Only you can call me into aliveness.

               Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

               each time you try to understand because you really care,

               my heart begins to grow wings--

               very small wings,

               very feeble wings,

               but wings!

               With your power to touch me into feeling

               you can breathe life into me.

               I want you to know that.

               I want you to know how important you are to me,

               how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--

               of the person that is me

               if you choose to.

               You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

               you alone can remove my mask,

               you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

               from my lonely prison,

               if you choose to.

               Please choose to.

               Do not pass me by.

               It will not be easy for you.

               A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

               The nearer you approach to me

               the blinder I may strike back.

               It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

               often I am irrational.

               I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

               But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

               and in this lies my hope.

               Please try to beat down those walls

               with firm hands but with gentle hands

               for a child is very sensitive.

               Who am I, you may wonder?

               I am someone you know very well.

               For I am every man you meet

               and I am every woman you meet.

The Power of Positive Thinking

The Power of Positive Thinking

Cheer Up!  

          You can if you think you can!  

Just look on the bright side!

          Smile - the world smiles with you if you smile! 

A frown turned upside down is a smile!    

        Things couldn't possibly be that bad! 

Fake it until you make it.  

Just put mind over matter!

One of the best greeting cards I ever received contained a number of platitudes of this sort on the cover and on the inside it said "The preceding lies were brought to you by the National Federation of People you run into when you're having a rotten day."  The card caused me to laugh not so much because it was so funny but because it was so true!  

For those of us with chronic illness and pain, there are always going to be people who try to help us with "cheer up" messages.  I don't know about you, but the response I frequently want to say with deep sarcasm is "Oh, thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  I would have never thought of that.  Just imagine how much money I could have saved from all of my doctor visits if you had just come along and said that a little bit earlier."   Of course, I don't say this to them because I know that most people are speaking out of a genuine desire to help or express caring or out of an astounding lack of knowledge, tact and empathy.  I also know that regardless of why they say it that there are few whose minds I can change by a single sarcastic remark.  

On the other hand, I have found that practicing positivity does help me in my day to day struggles with pain, worry and depression.  A study published in Health Psychology (2012) by Gillam (et al.) found that people who publicly state that they are coping successfully with their chronic pain actually tend to cope much better than those who do not.  In this study, 89 individuals with a history of chronic pain were divided into two groups.  One group was provided with scripts which contained positive affirmations regarding the individuals' ability to cope.  A part of their task was to present themselves as "good copers" to those around them.  The other group, on the other hand, portrayed themselves as "poor copers."  

Even though both groups of people had significant levels of chronic pain, it was found that those who practiced positive affirmations and saying that they were "good copers" had statistically improved levels of self efficacy (the belief that one is competent and able to meet their goals), depression, and positive coping.  In essence, there was a self-fufilling prophecy whereby individuals who focused on a belief in their own ability to handle pain actually experienced positive change in their ability to cope.  

The take-away from this study is not that one must deny his/her pain, but that by using positive affirmations and self-talk, we can actually increase our own belief in our ability to manage pain.  As our belief increases, it is only natural that hope emerges.  In my opinion, it is this experience of hope that allows us to be resilient in the face of chronic pain, anxiety and depression.  When we focus on our inability to cope, we find ourselves with the belief that we have limited options and are thereby "stuck" with little hope. On the other hand, when we develop the belief that there is hope, we are then able to think outside of the box when it comes to problem solving and coping skills. 

Based on this study, hope, resilience and self-efficacy are not a state of mind or a personality characteristic, but a trait that can be learned through positive affirmations.  I have long had a list of positive affirmations and Scriptures to which I turn when I am having a particularly difficult day.  When I take the time to read these things, they are powerful reminders to me of what can be.  I don't believe that one can necessarily use another person's positive affirmations; however, if it would help any of my readers, I'd be glad to share mine with you.  My list is one that has been compiled over a number of years during (what I like to call) my "sane" moments.  Those "sane" moments are the times when pain is not so oppressive that I can see no way out.  These were not written during pain free moments as I don't have those.  However, they were written during times when pain was at a lower level or when circumstances were such that I could see beyond the fog of pain.

In my life, I have truly seen the truth of the principles of this study.  When I focus on what I don't have or how I am feeling, I inevitably feel worse and begin to despair.  When I focus on hope, I inevitably feel better.  This does not mean that I don't share my struggles, my pain or my fears with others.  In fact, the ability to share these issues with others in the same situation who help me practice positive and proactive strategies is a huge part of my coping mechanisms. At other times, I reach out to friends (who know better than to utter trivial and trite cheer-up messages) and ask them to hang on to hope for me.  There is something very powerful in knowing that others believe in my ability to cope and to get better.  The key for me is to not get bogged down in the belief that chronic pain defines my life and means that I have no hope and no control.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

Positive Psychology

As many of you are aware, I am a mental health therapist. I can't tell you how many times, I have said "doctor, heal yourself!" as I walk through my current storm of chronic pain.  You know as well as I do that it's just not that easy, and many of us have a choir of people who are ready to tell us what we need to do in order to feel better.  

However, as I was reflecting on this, I thought of one of my favorite models of psychology.  It is called Positive Psychology.  Positive Psychology, as a branch of psychology, wasn't formalized until 1988 so it is fairly recent.  It is based on the scientific study of individual traits that allow people to thrive and carry on in the midst of life's storms.  It is based on the belief that people want "to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play." (University of Pennsylvania)  I would like to also add that it can enhance our experience with pain management.

Positive Psychology focuses on happiness and contentment in the present and hope for the future.  It specifically addresses good ways to handle disappointment, stress and those inevitable storms in life.

To a large degree, Positive Psychology is based on the premise that how we think shapes how we feel.  This is not to suggest that if we engage in some denial of our pain that it will cease to exist.  Rather, it offers coping mechanisms that are intrinsic to most individuals.  For example, have you ever noticed that if you focus on your blessings, things that make you happy, and things that are humorous, that your experience of pain is not as all-consuming?  This doesn't mean that your pain is any less.  It is just a shift of focus. 

I know that when I watch my silly puppy throwing his toys in the air, spend time with someone I love, watch a funny movie, have a belly laugh with someone over something ridiculous that I've done (you know who you are and you better not be talking), and spend time in prayer praising God rather than asking Him for things that something shifts inside of me.  The pain is still very real, but I am able to move my attention from looking at it so intensely that it cripples me to allowing myself to enjoy life in spite of the pain.  It doesn't make me any less physically disabled but it does help me to become less emotionally disabled.

If I focus on my pain, it drives me mad.  I become anxious; I become frightened; I become hopeless.  And I will confess that I do this plenty of times and that I then go into the "oh my goodness, what can I do" panic mode!  Having gone back to think about what I know about Positive Psychology has reminded me that while I might not have a choice over what my body does, I do have a choice over where my mind dwells.  It's not an easy or simplistic thing to do, but for me, it makes a huge difference.
   
I'm going to be focusing on Positive Psychology for the next few blog entries and how one can incorporate it into their life.  Before I do, however, let me stress that it is not meant to diminish the reality of both physical and emotional suffering.  These are both physiological functions, and thought alone is not going to "cure" anything.  Positive Psychology, in my opinion, is just another tool in my Migraine toolkit.  It is not a substitution for medical treatment, for medication or for honesty about what is going on in one's life.  I hope you will join me in exploring Positive Psychology.

Who Am I - When Migraine Challenges My Own Identity

Who am I?  I have really been struggling with this for the last several months.  Having chronic migraines has "deleted" some of the definition I enjoyed, and I am having trouble filling the void with new definitions.  Prior to this, it was an easy question.

- I was a respected mental health therapist and professor.

        And now I am not.

- I was a person who loved laughter and being around people.

        And now it is difficult to do so.

- I was a person who prided myself on being reliable and committed.

        And now, I frequently can't be relied upon.

- I was an independent woman.

        And now, I rely on others for transportation and for financial support, among other things.

- I was a deeply involved family member who loved to be there for my family in fun times and in difficult times.

        And now, I'm generally not involved. I've missed so many special occasions and haven't been there at times when people needed me or when I wanted to be there.

- I was a loyal friend who loved being able to do things for others.

        And now, I am always the recipient.

- I was an active and involved person who enjoyed being with others.

       And now, I am frequently lonely.

- My days had purpose and meaning.  I felt like I contributed something to the world through my work, through my friendships, through my activities.

        And now, I often grapple with the question of what my purpose is.

As I think about this, I think having chronic migraines may be helping me to learn that I found my identity in the wrong things - not that the things that defined me were bad - they just weren't all there is.  The very fact that I live and breathe and exist today has to count for something - there has to be some reason for my existence.  

When I stop and really think about it, I hear the Lord telling me that my identity is in being His beloved daughter; that my purpose is to glorify Him; that my goal is to shine a light in the darkness.  

I once heard someone say that God created us as human beings not human doers.  Being is hard.  Being content while just being is even harder.  The world tells us that we are someone because of what we do - our job, our involvement with friends and family, our independence, our achievements, and our activities.  When those things are taken away for whatever reason, we are left with the question of "who are we really?"  Is being me enough? Can I find purpose in life in just being who I am once all the activities and accolades are stripped away?

I'm not sure what the answer is to that question if I rely on my feelings.  So instead, I have to remind myself over and over again of the truth that is constantly being whispered to me - "You are mine, Beloved.  I hold your future and your past.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made, and I rejoice in you because of who you are and not because of what you do."

So my goal is to listen to the words of truth more and to my feelings less  (without disregarding my feelings)- to let the truth define me even when I am feeling lost - to take that question of who I am to my Creator and to try to stop basing my beliefs about myself upon what I do.  This is not going to be an easy or quick task.  It is going to have to be purposeful.  The one thing I do know, however, is that life is a process.  I am always learning.  I am always growing.  I am always changing.  AND it will be for good, to give me a future and a hope.

Where Does Joy Come From?

As a child I use to sing a song with the words:

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart

Down in my heart

Down in my heart

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart

Down in my heart to stay

There have been times as I've struggled with chronic pain that I've wondered where that joy was.  The problem, however, has not been one with joy but with extreme myopia (near-sightedness).  Pain is so ever present that it is easy to see only that - to allow it to cast a shadow over all that I do and am.  However, just like my hand can totally obscure my vision if I hold it up close to my eyes, so pain can obscure my vision if I hold it too close in my mind.


When I stop holding the pain so close, I am able to see all the things that exist which can provide joy.
 - I look at the picture of a friend's smiling baby.
 - I watch the dogs play tug of war nose to nose with a three inch ball.   
- I eat lunch with my dad who was victorious over his battle with cancer last year. 
- I have the opportunity to spend the day with a one year old for whom life is endlessly fascinating.
 - I go through photo albums and look at the pictures of friends and family and call to mind all the wonderful memories that go along with them.  
- I see the beautiful purple tulips which have bloomed in a neighbor's yard 
- I listen to the words of some of my favorite songs. 
- I look at "treasures" in my home which evoke powerful memories of love. 
- I spend time with my niece and nephew, and my heart swells up with the joy of being their aunt.
- I read God's word and am reminded of His unfailing love for me  - I think about all my dear friends and how much they mean to me.
- I treasure every time I've heard the words "I love you," "I'm praying for you," and "I'm here for you.  


When I stop holding pain so close that I can't see anything else, I am absolutely bombarded by the sheer magnitude of opportunities for joy.  Joy isn't found in circumstances; it's found in my response to circumstances.  For now, there is little I can do to change my migraines, but there is a lot I can do to change my state of mind.  It is all a matter of where I choose to put my focus.  And for today, at least, I choose joy.


I'll leave you with the words of one of my favorite Kathy Trocolli songs:


A purple sky to close the day 
I wade the surf where dolphins play 
The taste of salt, the dance of waves 
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs 

A lightning flash, my pounding heart 
A breaching whale, a shooting star 
Give testimony that You are 
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs 

Oh praise Him all His mighty works 
There is no language where you can't be heard 
Your song goes out to all the earth 
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah 

O cratered moon and the sparrow's wings 
O thunder's boom and Saturn's rings 
Unveil our Father as we sing 
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs 

The pulse of life within my wrist 
A fallen snow, a rising mist 
There is no higher praise than this 
And my soul wells up 
Oh my soul wells up 
Yes my soul wells up with hallelujahs 

In Hiding

This is Milo, my newly adopted dog, hiding under his bed. 

Hmmm, is he already emulating me?

Have you ever felt like just hiding from the world?  There are many days when it is frankly easier to stay in bed than to get up and function with pain and the emotions associated with it.  I know intellectually that this is not a positive coping mechanism.  However, sometimes it seems that staying in bed is all that I can handle.  When I am hurting or feeling down, I tend to hibernate rather than to even try to use the things in my "migraine toolkit."


While there are certainly days and times when it may be appropriate to stay in bed, my experience has been that many of us deal with our feelings and our pain by sleeping - by seeking some kind of psychological or physical reprieve from sleep.  While sleep does make the day go by faster and protects us from dealing with our feelings, it is also something which can actually make our depression and pain worse.  It increases our loneliness and our sense of having no purpose.  


Most migraine specialists will talk with you about the importance of good sleep hygiene.  When we think about this, it is usually associated with having a regular sleep and wake time and getting enough sleep. It's easy to wonder what the harm is in getting "too much" sleep.  This article on WebMD shares some of the effects of too much sleep. Click Here

Here are some of the things I try to do when all I want to do is hibernate:


1. Reach out to other migraineurs through on-line forums, phone or Facebook.  Two great sources are Helpforheadaches.com and Migraine.com.


2. Reach out to my local friends and plan a low key activity.  I regularly hold a "movie night" at my house where my friends are invited to come (fragrance free) to sit in the dark and watch a good movie together.


3. Do something I enjoy such as playing with or training my dogs, beading, listening to a good book on the Ipod (reading is difficult for me with my migraines), watch a good movie or listen to music.


4. Take a short walk outside.


5. Stretch or use a yoga/tai chi video.


6. Journal/write.


7. Send cards to encourage friends.


8. Give myself a good (but positive) talking to!

Choosing Grace

I have been planning this blog for quite a while now, thinking about what I would want to say in my blog and why I would even want to have a blog. It's not exactly like I have great wisdom or knowledge to share with the world - there are plenty of good blogs and sites that do that! I write this not as an expert, but as a co-journeyer. I have come to realize that my greatest challenge in dealing with migraines and chronic pain has to do with my coping skills or how I choose to weather the storms of the life I lead.

I use the word "choose" with some discretion as I don't believe that one can "will" themselves to be well. Let's face it, if we could, most of us would have already taken that route. (And platitudes such as "you just need to get out in the sun," "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," "choose to get over this," "it can't be that bad, have you seen a therapist?" all make me quite ill.) What I have come to know, however, is that the quality of my life largely depends on where I put my focus. There are certain truths I can't ignore:

1. I have chronic, intractable migraines (as well as some other conditions)- which cause me to be in pain 24/7.

2. I have set out to educate myself about my conditions and have pursued the best medical help I can and have followed that advice. The conclusion has been that I am a "complicated patient." (Don't you love it when the doctor says that to you?)

3. I have had to give up my career and am pretty much homebound.

4. These conditions have impacted me physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually and socially.

These are the facts, and I could very well focus upon them - which I frequently do. I refer to my migraines as "the beast" and I find myself frequently battling the beast. More germane, however, is that I find myself often giving into the beast. This blog is really just my journal of how I am choosing to not give into the beast. I'd love to welcome you along this journey with me, for there are other things that I have also found to be truths. These truths that I equally can't ignore are:

1. I have a loving heavenly Father who is constantly seeking to strengthen me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

2. I have much for which to be grateful. I have a wonderful and loving family; I have the best friends in the world; I have a virtual migraine family and small group that brings me encouragement, joy and support everyday; I have the world's best fur baby (Marlie), my financial and personal needs are faithfully being met, and many, many other blessings.

3. There are a number of things available to help me with handling my pain even when medications fail me. They include prayer, mindfulness, rest, stretching, exercise, eating right, adopting an attitude of gratitude, reaching out to other migraineurs, looking for ways to help others and, most importantly, a pair of world class sunglasses! (Oh, let me not forget to mention the full shelf in both my freezer and my refrigerator dedicated to ice packs!! God bless the inventor of ice packs! I believe I probably have every style and model available, but just in case I don't, I am always open to suggestions.)

The bottom line is that I cannot make my migraines miraculously disappear - I've tried. If only I could be like Bewitched and wiggle my nose and make everything right! Unfortunately, it hasn't worked. So, for now, what I fervently want to do is to learn to live with chronic illness with grace, hope, dignity and peace. This is not a passive task, but one to which I believe I must set my mind, my intentions and my actions. That certainly doesn't mean that I won't have the occasional meltdown, pity party, or temper tantrum. In fact, they may not even be that occasional. I admit it - I am human, fancy that? And I am quite sure that there are individuals reading this now who are rolling on the floor laughing because they have been witness to my meltdowns, pity parties, and temper tantrums and know that when I do it, I do it right! lol

However, the bottom line is that I intend to pursue and find grace in the storm by taking advantage of all the means available to me. For today, that means starting this blog.

I hope you will also find success in finding grace for the storm.

Thanks for listening to and for sharing in this journey with me!

Cyn