It's not that anything is wrong. I guess it's just because everything is the same. You who deal with chronic issues in your life (whether it be pain or not) will probably understand this. I am generally a person of great hope and expectancy. I have always firmly felt that things won't be like this forever, but I have to admit that sometimes the "what-if's" sneak into my mind. At those times, the majority of my energy seems to go to just keeping the status-quo emotionally. Frankly, I'm tired of things always being the same.
I started with a new doctor about five months ago. Although I know that working with any doctor is a process and that finding the right medicine or treatment takes time, I have to also admit that it is easy to become discouraged. It's just that I've seen so many doctors - each time hopeful that he/she would be the one to help me begin to resume a "normal" life or would at least be the one who holds high a beacon of hope for me, helping me to believe that things have the potential for becoming better.
Don't get me wrong - I love my new doctor. I even found that my first round of Botox gave me about two weeks of lesser intensity in my Migraines. However, the second round of Botox has not had the same result. In fact, the last month has been more difficult than usual. I know it sounds twisted, but there is a sense of being like a child before Christmas when I'm going to an expert in Migraines. I can't wait to open up the unknown that he might have for me. The anticipation and joy are great, but they dim quickly when you find that it may be more of the same old thing - certainly a lot more waiting and trying to find a reason to hope.
So, I honestly feel stuck. I have friends and family who I want to be there for during their difficult times; I have friends and family I want to be with during their fun times; I have obligations I want to complete; I have a house I moved into nine months ago that is still just a big white box and has not been decorated or organized to the degree that I feel at home. I have a car sitting in the garage that I've been told not to drive, but places that I want to go. I have people that I want to talk with but just don't have the emotional or physical energy to do so.
I had a good talking to myself last night about what I need to do to get out of the blahs. I know that one of the major things that I need to do is to re-set my expectations and once again remind myself to look for the reasons to be content and happy in the here and now. I also need to remind myself that I have a reason to trust and hope for the future rather than resigning myself to just the here and now. Hope surrounds me, but honestly sometimes when I focus too much on how I am feeling physically, I lose sight of the hope.
So, I have to ask myself again. Will I still choose to focus on hope and glorify my Lord in the midst of the apathy I feel right now? The answering is a resounding yes. It's not because I necessarily feel that way, but because I choose to remember that I am called to look at "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy." (Philippians 4:8)
Yes, I do have a major case of the blahs, but I am trying hard to hold on to the hope I know that I have - even when it doesn't take on the shape and appearance that I would like.
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